Slow down

My desk in a snow day

I don’t like writing about how I felt when someone I loved died. The reason for that is I want to look back one day and be able to read my old blog posts without touching the memories that hurt. As if life had been amazing the whole time. I think this is why I love watching old movies so much. The movies I watched for the first time when I was kid, I mean. I don’t remember the context and I don’t remember what was going on in my home. It probably sucked. But for a moment, me, my mom and my dad were together, watching Eddie Murphy come to America for the first time and all I remember is how hard they were laughing at jokes I didn’t quite understand at the time.

Every movie sends me back to a moment in my life when I felt very safe, even though I probably wasn’t. Even though I probably have things 1000 times more figured out at this point of my life than my parents ever did, I still refer to childhood memories as my safe space. I worry that I give my children the very same sense of security so they can feel recharged and peaceful when they grow up every time they come back home, just like I do.

The movies slow me down, calm me down and help me think straight. Sometimes I just want to sit here and write about whatever it was that I watched last. But the truth is, people still died.

Words+Music by Alanis Morissette

I am listening to Alanis’ Words+Music. It is perfect.

I feel emotional, happy, sad and mostly not alone.

I’m thinking about how long it’s been since the day I locked myself in my room next to my CD player and determined I would memorize all the songs in her MTV acoustic special CD.

It’s been a lifetime.

Sometimes I am scared that we are moving too fast towards the end, even though this is technically the middle. Not for long.

On this audiobook she talks about how the uses her lyrics to get stuff out of her system. Apparently, it works. That’s when it hit me. This is what I do too. I write things down.

Whatever I am feeling completely overwhelmed… if I write it down, it becomes only words. And words don’t scare me at all. They are actually beautiful.

A couple years ago, my therapist asked me how I coped with the rollercoaster that is my mind. I didn’t have an answer. But this was it. This is how I cope. Using words… plus music.

You never know what you’re gonna learn about yourself every day.

I hope it helps you too.