Feel Good

I am not sure how relatable Mae Martin’s Netflix show “Feel Good” is for people with normal brains. But, to me, it was something I have been hoping to find – though I was not sure where to search, or what keywords to use – for for a long time.

Mar Martin in bed – A screen capture from the show “Feel Good”.

This is a show about a person who is trying to cope with the fact that their thoughts don’t necessarily work in their favor all the time. It’s about the struggle to live with yourself when , to other people, nothing seems to be happening, but inside of you, there’s a storm. Mae defines it as a love story, which is also true.

I relate to Mae in so many levels, it’s scary. From adoring Bette Midler to overdoing things that are bad to me (fortunately I’ve managed to never try drugs… unless diet coke counts). It got me wondering if this was the reason why I do so many things I absolutely don’t want to do – like finishing that chocolate bar – and also, a question Mae actually brings up in the show instantly popped into my mind “I understand I am like this, how the f*** do I fix it?”. The literature of how to fix things seem to be a lot less extense than the one on how to identify such problems.

The scary part is, it’s semi-autobiographical, so I can’t help but feel bad for Mae and every other PTSD victims out there.

I binge-watched the whole thing in a day of two (it’s rather short) and I love how the second season is set in Canada. Sometimes I like Canada, sometimes I don’t. So, when the correct light and camera angle is set in places I have been or that I happen to be near, that place becames magical to me and it makes me really love the fact that I am actually here. It’s like how I hated Brazil until I read “American Drifter” by Chad Michael Murray and realized it was beautiful, because it saw it through his eyes. Yes, my personality is THAT weak.

Also, the whole cast is so amazing. Not only we get Lisa Kudrow, we also get Phil Burgers, who I had absolutely never hear of, but made me laugh while crying. It’s good, guys. It’s really, really good.

Thank you for this, Mae. Also, I hope you are ok.

Slow down

My desk in a snow day

I don’t like writing about how I felt when someone I loved died. The reason for that is I want to look back one day and be able to read my old blog posts without touching the memories that hurt. As if life had been amazing the whole time. I think this is why I love watching old movies so much. The movies I watched for the first time when I was kid, I mean. I don’t remember the context and I don’t remember what was going on in my home. It probably sucked. But for a moment, me, my mom and my dad were together, watching Eddie Murphy come to America for the first time and all I remember is how hard they were laughing at jokes I didn’t quite understand at the time.

Every movie sends me back to a moment in my life when I felt very safe, even though I probably wasn’t. Even though I probably have things 1000 times more figured out at this point of my life than my parents ever did, I still refer to childhood memories as my safe space. I worry that I give my children the very same sense of security so they can feel recharged and peaceful when they grow up every time they come back home, just like I do.

The movies slow me down, calm me down and help me think straight. Sometimes I just want to sit here and write about whatever it was that I watched last. But the truth is, people still died.

Words+Music by Alanis Morissette

I am listening to Alanis’ Words+Music. It is perfect.

I feel emotional, happy, sad and mostly not alone.

I’m thinking about how long it’s been since the day I locked myself in my room next to my CD player and determined I would memorize all the songs in her MTV acoustic special CD.

It’s been a lifetime.

Sometimes I am scared that we are moving too fast towards the end, even though this is technically the middle. Not for long.

On this audiobook she talks about how the uses her lyrics to get stuff out of her system. Apparently, it works. That’s when it hit me. This is what I do too. I write things down.

Whatever I am feeling completely overwhelmed… if I write it down, it becomes only words. And words don’t scare me at all. They are actually beautiful.

A couple years ago, my therapist asked me how I coped with the rollercoaster that is my mind. I didn’t have an answer. But this was it. This is how I cope. Using words… plus music.

You never know what you’re gonna learn about yourself every day.

I hope it helps you too.

Smells like childhood

I don’t quite understand how my brain works. The way a smell triggers a memory or the way there’s a certain song that will always make me cry as if something terrible had happened.

There’s one thing though that I know it’s very planted in my brain and even though I don’t get the mechanism, I like the way it feels.

Opening a brand new box of colored pencils makes me instantly happy.

I feel in kindergarten. I feel safe, and happy and just filled with possibilities.

Since I am an adult, now, apparently, I make sure *almost* every time I go to dollarama I came back with a brand new box of colored pencils. I have different brands, water colors, pastel, you name it. And it never gets old. Every time I open one… there is the feeling.

So, today, I wasn’t feeling my best. It’s a weird time for all of us. Therefore I decided to sit down with my kids and sort our used pencils in mason jars. It was late at night and the house was quiet. It was just us and the colors.

I wonder if it also made them happy.

Feel-good movies marathon

As we waited for a vaccine, a cure or a sudden end of COVID19, my mom and I decided to watch a few feel-good movies from our past this weekend.

My kids were mostly sitting on the floor, playing with their legos through basically the 5 movies. And I thought, pandemic or no pandemic, life could never possibly be better than this. Sitting on my couch, watching old movies with my mom as my kids play. It is the dream, I tell you.

These were our picks in the actual order that we watched and I am not going to rate them because you can’t rate kid-friendly perfection!

Binge watching anything with coffee just has to be my favorite thing in life. Is that a profession?

Shell

My so-called life

I am a big fan of “My so-called life”. Really. To embarrassing levels. I wrote a fan fiction about it, I dyed my hair red, I drew every character… you name it. It  is pathological, people. So, of course, I was really happy when I saw it on Disney+ here in Canada!

I also chose “My so-called life” today in honor of #pridemonth as this show was groundbreaking and Wilson Cruz is one of my favorite humans in the world.

I spent the past week screen-capturing scenes from “My so-called life“, in the hopes of drawing a decent floor plan because… well, I probably just want to be Angela and live in this show. So, I might as well have a floor plan.

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But, about the house…

The thing is, the house from “My so-called life” is perfect in many levels to me. Hopefully, this design also works for some of you! So, I’ll go over some of my favorite elements:

1. Wood and warm colours:

Before people fell in love with their clean lines, gray walls and shades of teal, there was actual warmth in their houses. 💛

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2. Furniture colour variation:

Not every piece of furniture you’ll find in this house will have  the exact same shade of walnut wood. And that is OK.

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Also, each room has a unique character. You don’t see living room references in the kitchen, for instance. They have different colours and different curtains. I think that breaks the monotony and I am all for it.

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3. Blue walls

This is a very personal point, actually. Wallpaper and light blue colours are my favorite choice for walls. So, this is basically my ideal house – almost. 💛

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4. The memories

I am a sucker for all things 90’s. Therefore, the office is my favourite place in this house. I like how it’s so filled with details and it also gives you the idea that these people have lived in this house for a while. It’s a pile of stuff that doesn’t necessarily go together perfectly but that was gathered over the years and maybe some of this stuff were gifts maybe… In general, it feels very real and it tells a story by itself.

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So, as I started drawing the house ,  there were challenges:

  1. The set did not match the facade they used for the exterior, which was this one (source: iamnotastalker.com ):

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  1. The set actually changes at least 3 times during the show.

So, I used a little bit of imagination and “forced” the second floor on top of the first the best I could.

I hope you enjoy this, Mz Internet! I know I did!